Sunday, March 13, 2011

feeling down

let me just preface that this post is very personal, if you don't want to know you don't have to read it i just have to get these feeling off my chest.

     So these past few months I have been feeling more and more down. I feel that i don't fit in anywhere. I feel like I have no friends, that no one wants to be my friend and that its my fault, or that i am weird or annoying so people dont want to be my friend anymore. I know these feeling are completly stupid and irrational but i can't help but feel this way. I know it has to do with my depression, and i hate the fact that i have depression, and that i have no control over how it makes me feel. I hate feeling worthless and that i have no real purpose. I hate that i live so far away from my family, because right now they are the only ones i know that love me (well besides jesse) and that are truly my friends and would do anything for me. I feel so lonely down here, I hate cedar city right now. I hate that I have 4-5 days off each week, but I have no one to do things with, instead of having a group of girl friends down here and doing things with them, i end up sitting at home alone while jesse is at school, doing nothing, and that doesn't help me feel any better about myself.
     When I was in nursing school, I felt like I got along with a lot of the girls in my class, and truly felt like I had become good friends with some of them, it made me excited to know i had friends down here, and that after nursing school i would have friends to do things with, well i was wrong. I try inviting people to do things and I always get turned down, I can't help but feel left out when i hear about people getting together to do things and me not getting invited. i know this is stupid and i should just be more outgoing and invite people to do things more often, but Im afraid of the rejection. all the close friends i had down in cedar have moved away, and  I have been having a hard time making new friends, I try i really do but i must be doing something wrong. 
     I feel like i dont belong in my ward, I feel like me and Jesse don't fit in because we dont have children, I hate going to church and sitting in relief society having no one sit next to me, it gets really old being the only one sitting by themselves, while everyone else has there friends. I try, I introduce myself when i actually have someone sit by me, i feel that i am a personable person and good friend, and that im easy to get along with, but that doesn't matter i guess. I must admit that because of this i haven't really wanted to go to church, and i haven't been going because when i do go i just don't feel like i belong. this week we actually went, and it just made me feel the same way, no one knows who we are, and i know that is partially our fault because we didn't go very often when i worked nights ( i always worked weekends), but we have been making an effort to go since i started days, i know i should be going, and i want to go and feel of the spirit. but when i do go the only person who knows me is my bishop, I hate smiling at people and getting looks of who is that girl? Sometimes i feel that maybe we should be going to the young married ward, and not a family ward, i might fit in better there and maybe make  a friend. which would be nice. but i love my bishop, and i feel like if i left for that reason it would be all selfish.  I hate these selfish feelings, i hate that i don't want to go to church just for the fact that i don't know anyone. today we had a combined priesthood and relief society and it was one the atonment, it was a very good lesson, and jsut made me realize how much i love my savior, but also how much i really need to be working on. it also made me feel really guilty for feeling this way, i know i have some of these feelings because im not doing everything we are supposed to be doing, but I have felt this way for so long its hard.
     I just want to have a group of girl friends i can do things with, my husband has his group of guy friends and i know they get sick of me tagging along, but I have nothing else to do and don't want to sit at home by myself. and i know they think of me as a friend to but I need some girl friends.  Im sorry that this post is so personal, but i keep this blog as a journal, and I just needed to get these things out, I didn't write this as a pity me post.   I just want people to know its really hard for me to say how i am feeling, that is why writting it down helps me feel a little bit better.  Im sorry this is a depressing post but this is how i have been feeling the past few months and one reason i haven't updated in so long, because really who reads this anyway?


Ty and Whitty said...

I miss you Amie and I am sooooo sad that we didn't get together when I lived down there. I let my stupd busy life get in the way and i think i missed out on some good friendships because of it. So I am sorry. I wish I lived closer to you. I would love to hang out with you all the time. You are so cute and fun to be around. I have been feeling the same way. I need some close girl friends up here really bad i feel like I just sit at home all the time.

Aaron and Julie said...

Amie, CALL ME!!!! I totally feel the exact same way!! I hate texas exactly for the same reasons as you. All these moms go on shopping trips together and do fun things together and post them on their blogs and all I can think is why wasn't I invited. I don't have any close friends. In the almost 3 years I have lived here my visiting teachers have only come 5 times.
The isolation is killer. If we had empty chairs in our relief society they are usually around me. I feel like I make all the effort and no one reciprocates those actions. Like you I know I'm just depressed and I should do better and be better but it still pretty much stinks.
anyway if you can afford it you are always more than welcome to fly down to texas to come visit me. I miss not living close to my friends. (but then whose to say I would take advantage of it)
anyway this is long call me when you have a fresh batch of cookie dough ready and we can have pity parties like we use to ; )(I'm awake by 6:30am texas time) so whenever you are awake CALL ME!! love you girl!!

Jay and Danielle said...

You can ALWAYS call me :) I miss you so much Amie! And I super wish that we lived closer...cuz although I don't feel super left out while I am at church...I don't have friends during the week it feels like. I to feel like I don't belong in many situations because I don't have kids. Jay works a lot and is not really home while I am home, so I am grateful I live close to family, I hang out with my mom...but I miss having girlfriends to hang out with! We did everything together in Cedar and I freaking miss that so much!!! I love you Amie and please know that we will always be great friends!

Amy said...

I love when people write things that are REAL. It takes courage. And, I felt the exact same way in my ward. So I started sitting next to someone I didn't know- I'd introduce myself, and then take them cookies later in the week - just to solidify myself in their memory so that I had a friendly face to say hello to & sit next too. Hugs to you!!

Whitney Hurst said...

It makes it hard when you're shy and quiet. I have the same feelings about church. We live in a huge ward with new families moving in and out all of the time and every time I go I get asked if I'm new to the ward. In the past, I've let that keep me from attending like I should, but recently I've realised that wasn't going to help me in any way.

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who goes through feelings like this!

Tedi said...

Oh Amie! Can I just tell you I have felt the same exact way living out in Eagle Mountain!!! Ever since we moved here I felt like everyone else has kids and we don't, everyone knows everyone else except me. I would always sit alone in RS because I didn't know anyone. I don't want to tell you what to do, but this really helped me. I started doing my visiting teaching, and I even complained to the second counselor in RS presidency because I NEEDED visiting teachers! It worked! Well sort of. Chase and I still have trouble with going to church, and I still have to drag us to church, but it has helped. I really wish I lived closer to you! I would hang out with you! I still don't have "friends" that I hang out with. So I have turned to facebook and blogs. I also try and do things that help me feel better. I'm really sorry! Let me know if you need to talk! I'm always here to listen!

Hadley Family said...

I am so glad that you post what you are takes a lot of guts! I totally understand the isolation and wish I was there to do fun things with you. I understand depression a little, having lived with a husband with depression and watching him fight those feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness.

When we moved to St. George I had a melt down, because I felt like it was very difficult to make friends here. I felt like everyone already knew everyone else and had no need of new friends. That has changed, I have wonderful friends down here now, but it took a really long time.

Don't feel selfish for wanting to go to a young married ward...especially if it means you will go more. Brian and I stopped going to church at all early in our marriage because we felt exactly like you do, and guess what, nobody noticed. After 10 months of inactivity, we started going to a university ward. It was the best thing we ever did. At first I felt a little isolated there too because we didn't live on campus like most of the rest of the ward did, but it didn't take long until people were reaching out to me. I made some of my very best friends there, and they are still my best friends to this day.

I wish we were closer so we could do more together. We miss you. It's so hard to reach out to others, I struggle with that all the time. I am here for you, and I will be working days now so maybe we can connect more often. Just text me when you need to talk, I can almost always answer a text.

Tiffany said...

Hey! I've never read your blog before, but I found it today. I really know how you feel with church. Lee works every Sunday and it was so hard to go alone for a long time. I felt (and still often feel) very out of place without kids in our family ward. There is a single sister in my ward who sits by me now (probably b/c she is my visiting teacher!) but I hope you're feeling better. I can't wait to see you tomorrow at Carolyn's Shower!

Dani said...

Amy, you are an amazing person. - Thanks for such an honest post! I understand feeling alone, I think we all do! - Just remember your not, keep your head up & smile :) . Also, when I think of you I always remember how comfortable you made me feel years ago at church, & became my friend when we just moved into a new neighborhood :) - Hope things get better for you!