Wednesday, February 24, 2010

late valentines day post!

So i know this is really late, but considering that i was freaking out the past 2 weeks, i think its ok that i post this late! so me and jesse didnt do anything to big this year for valentines day because we are really poor! but we did make it a goal to go to the temple, so we went on Saturday. it was really nice, it has been so long since we have gone, i forgot how amazing you feel afterwards. I really needed to go and feel the spirit, while we were there i got this overwhelming feeling of comfort and peace, and an answer to my prayers, I had been praying really hard that i would pass my test and that everything would work out for me and Jesse. Well while in the celestial room i got a very strong feeling that things were going to work out and i felt very comforted and confident for my test. well seeing as i failed my test, i was questioning these feelings and was a little angry that my answer wasn't in the way that i wanted it to be. during this past week i had the opportunity to talk to my parents and my bishop and they helped me to realize that this is an answer, jsut not the one i wanted and that i need to look at the bigger picture, that maybe i didn't pass this test because i need to grow spiritually, (because honestly me and jesse haven't been as active as we should be) or that maybe the lord is paving the way for a job, or a way for us to stay in Cedar longer. My dad and bishop (both great men) told me to keep remember the feeling i had in the temple and trust in the lord. well i have been doing that and reading my scriptures and i do feel so much better about the situation, i know that i am capable of passing this test and that i will do it the next time. and that as long as i trust in the lord and stay close to him everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

Sorry that was a longer sidenot than i thought. now back to what we did for our valentines date. so we went to the temple had a great time and after we met up with our friend Amy and Mike and went to eat at the Mongolia BBQ! which is amazing so yummy! then on sunday i made this really yummy crock pot enchiladas (thank you julie for the recipe) Mike and Amy came back over to eat with us then we played some games and they left. then me and jesse played a game of Left for Dead, haha i know zombie game, but its so much fun and what a good way to relieve some stress! i love killing me some zombies!

So that was our Valentines day weekend. this week i have been working lots, helping jesse out at work, but that wont be for much longer because i got to start studying again! but tonight i got in the craft mood, and made a picture frame for my M-I-L and a birthday gift for my sister in law but i will have to wait to post that ;) but yeah im glad to be feeling happy again, and i know jesse is glad to have me back to normal too! he is such a great husband, he watched plenty of chickflicks with me, and got me ice cream, adn some new scriptures (they were my valentines day suprise!) which i love them all!!

oh i also dyed my hair, i dont know if you can really tell, it is a lot lighter but i dont know if the pictures do it justice, its not as light as i would like to go, but one day i will get there.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Everything will be ok....someday.

So on tuesday i took my NCLEX exam. the way the test it done is you either take a minimum of 75 questions or you can take the max of 265. or they stop you in between somewhere. well i was a lucky one to take all 265 questions. it took me 4.5 hours to test, and i felt really confident about my test until question 180 when i realized i would probably be taking the whole test. now this test is the worst test you will ever take. you go in scared out of your mind and you come out feeling like you failed.  well i was trying to stay positive during the test and i was doing ok, it was when i started to get repeat questions and when they kept asking me the same things that i started to lose my confidence. man this test really just kills your soul, you lose all motivation, confidence, and faith in yourself. so i took the test, left feeling like i failed, went back to the hotel saw my mom and started balling.

well the past two night were hard because you dont know how you did, and i was freaking out, i really didnt feel like i passed it, but i kept telling myself i did. well today was the day i got to find out how i did. well i have been home alone since jesse is at work, i know i should of waited for him to get home to find out, but i just needed to know. well i looked and I failed, my whole world came crushing down on me hard. I immediatly started balling, (still am) im so mad at myself, disappointed in myself, im sorry i let my family down. i know they wont say that i did, but i feel like i did. im just so tired of failing, i feel like i have had so many trials this past year with school i dont know if i can handle this last one. i really just wanted a break, i wanted to see that i passed and that i can now go find a job and be a nurse. but i shouldn't of gotten my hopes up because i suck at taking test, i have horrible test anxiety, even with meds i dont do well. i just wish i would of passed so that i could be happy and my family could be proud. I just am so sick of failing, i know this isnt' the end of the world but it sure feels like it. I know i need to be grateful for the fact that i did graduate, and i am. I am so grateful for the opportuinity i have had to go to school and get my degree, but its hard to feel grateful when you dream doesnt come true right away. I know this will be some huge learning experience for me, and that the lord probably has some lesson he wants me to learn, but why can't i jsut have one good thing happen to me right now? i feel like all we get are trials and struggles. we have a hard enought time paying our bills, that me passing my boards and getting a job would of been a huge blessing to us. but i guess i will have to wait. i know things will work out one day, i just wish it was today. im sorry this is so depressing it just is how i feel right now, i really just want to curl up into a ball, and stay there forever. I just am having a hard time seeing the light in this. i keep thinking that maybe this is a sign that i shoudln't be a nurse, i think back on all the struggles i have had during the nursing program and maybe i wasn't supposed to do this. but this is what i know i am meant for! i know im supposed to be a nurse i knwo im supposed to help people! that is just who i am. but why does it have to be so hard? i just want a break i want some thing good to happen to me and jesse. im sorry im wallowing but i need to vent, i need to cry i need to freak out, or else i dont know how i will face the next 45 days until i can test again.

Friday, February 12, 2010

NCLEX exam!

So I take my NCLEX exam on Wednesday Feb. 17th! this is the biggest test i will ever have to take! im so nervous, if i pass this test i get my RN license and i can work as an RN! words can't describe how scared, nervous, anxious, worried I am. I have been studying like crazy and i just keep praying will remember everything that i need to! So if you see me in the next few days and I look like a wreck this is why! please keep me in your prayers, and cross your fingers that I pass!!