Sunday, March 13, 2011

feeling down

let me just preface that this post is very personal, if you don't want to know you don't have to read it i just have to get these feeling off my chest.

     So these past few months I have been feeling more and more down. I feel that i don't fit in anywhere. I feel like I have no friends, that no one wants to be my friend and that its my fault, or that i am weird or annoying so people dont want to be my friend anymore. I know these feeling are completly stupid and irrational but i can't help but feel this way. I know it has to do with my depression, and i hate the fact that i have depression, and that i have no control over how it makes me feel. I hate feeling worthless and that i have no real purpose. I hate that i live so far away from my family, because right now they are the only ones i know that love me (well besides jesse) and that are truly my friends and would do anything for me. I feel so lonely down here, I hate cedar city right now. I hate that I have 4-5 days off each week, but I have no one to do things with, instead of having a group of girl friends down here and doing things with them, i end up sitting at home alone while jesse is at school, doing nothing, and that doesn't help me feel any better about myself.
     When I was in nursing school, I felt like I got along with a lot of the girls in my class, and truly felt like I had become good friends with some of them, it made me excited to know i had friends down here, and that after nursing school i would have friends to do things with, well i was wrong. I try inviting people to do things and I always get turned down, I can't help but feel left out when i hear about people getting together to do things and me not getting invited. i know this is stupid and i should just be more outgoing and invite people to do things more often, but Im afraid of the rejection. all the close friends i had down in cedar have moved away, and  I have been having a hard time making new friends, I try i really do but i must be doing something wrong. 
     I feel like i dont belong in my ward, I feel like me and Jesse don't fit in because we dont have children, I hate going to church and sitting in relief society having no one sit next to me, it gets really old being the only one sitting by themselves, while everyone else has there friends. I try, I introduce myself when i actually have someone sit by me, i feel that i am a personable person and good friend, and that im easy to get along with, but that doesn't matter i guess. I must admit that because of this i haven't really wanted to go to church, and i haven't been going because when i do go i just don't feel like i belong. this week we actually went, and it just made me feel the same way, no one knows who we are, and i know that is partially our fault because we didn't go very often when i worked nights ( i always worked weekends), but we have been making an effort to go since i started days, i know i should be going, and i want to go and feel of the spirit. but when i do go the only person who knows me is my bishop, I hate smiling at people and getting looks of who is that girl? Sometimes i feel that maybe we should be going to the young married ward, and not a family ward, i might fit in better there and maybe make  a friend. which would be nice. but i love my bishop, and i feel like if i left for that reason it would be all selfish.  I hate these selfish feelings, i hate that i don't want to go to church just for the fact that i don't know anyone. today we had a combined priesthood and relief society and it was one the atonment, it was a very good lesson, and jsut made me realize how much i love my savior, but also how much i really need to be working on. it also made me feel really guilty for feeling this way, i know i have some of these feelings because im not doing everything we are supposed to be doing, but I have felt this way for so long its hard.
     I just want to have a group of girl friends i can do things with, my husband has his group of guy friends and i know they get sick of me tagging along, but I have nothing else to do and don't want to sit at home by myself. and i know they think of me as a friend to but I need some girl friends.  Im sorry that this post is so personal, but i keep this blog as a journal, and I just needed to get these things out, I didn't write this as a pity me post.   I just want people to know its really hard for me to say how i am feeling, that is why writting it down helps me feel a little bit better.  Im sorry this is a depressing post but this is how i have been feeling the past few months and one reason i haven't updated in so long, because really who reads this anyway?