Everything will be ok....someday.

So on tuesday i took my NCLEX exam. the way the test it done is you either take a minimum of 75 questions or you can take the max of 265. or they stop you in between somewhere. well i was a lucky one to take all 265 questions. it took me 4.5 hours to test, and i felt really confident about my test until question 180 when i realized i would probably be taking the whole test. now this test is the worst test you will ever take. you go in scared out of your mind and you come out feeling like you failed.  well i was trying to stay positive during the test and i was doing ok, it was when i started to get repeat questions and when they kept asking me the same things that i started to lose my confidence. man this test really just kills your soul, you lose all motivation, confidence, and faith in yourself. so i took the test, left feeling like i failed, went back to the hotel saw my mom and started balling.

well the past two night were hard because you dont know how you did, and i was freaking out, i really didnt feel like i passed it, but i kept telling myself i did. well today was the day i got to find out how i did. well i have been home alone since jesse is at work, i know i should of waited for him to get home to find out, but i just needed to know. well i looked and I failed, my whole world came crushing down on me hard. I immediatly started balling, (still am) im so mad at myself, disappointed in myself, im sorry i let my family down. i know they wont say that i did, but i feel like i did. im just so tired of failing, i feel like i have had so many trials this past year with school i dont know if i can handle this last one. i really just wanted a break, i wanted to see that i passed and that i can now go find a job and be a nurse. but i shouldn't of gotten my hopes up because i suck at taking test, i have horrible test anxiety, even with meds i dont do well. i just wish i would of passed so that i could be happy and my family could be proud. I just am so sick of failing, i know this isnt' the end of the world but it sure feels like it. I know i need to be grateful for the fact that i did graduate, and i am. I am so grateful for the opportuinity i have had to go to school and get my degree, but its hard to feel grateful when you dream doesnt come true right away. I know this will be some huge learning experience for me, and that the lord probably has some lesson he wants me to learn, but why can't i jsut have one good thing happen to me right now? i feel like all we get are trials and struggles. we have a hard enought time paying our bills, that me passing my boards and getting a job would of been a huge blessing to us. but i guess i will have to wait. i know things will work out one day, i just wish it was today. im sorry this is so depressing it just is how i feel right now, i really just want to curl up into a ball, and stay there forever. I just am having a hard time seeing the light in this. i keep thinking that maybe this is a sign that i shoudln't be a nurse, i think back on all the struggles i have had during the nursing program and maybe i wasn't supposed to do this. but this is what i know i am meant for! i know im supposed to be a nurse i knwo im supposed to help people! that is just who i am. but why does it have to be so hard? i just want a break i want some thing good to happen to me and jesse. im sorry im wallowing but i need to vent, i need to cry i need to freak out, or else i dont know how i will face the next 45 days until i can test again.