JOB INTERVIEW!!!!

I will tell you about my birthday later, but for now i just want to share my good news!

I have a job interview this Friday at 10am!!!! it at Dixie Regional Medical Center and this is the best part its for Labor and Delivery!!!! i am so excited/nervous/freaked out! i really want this position!! its only part time but once i get my foot in the door things will go much easier for me! so everyone keep me in your prayers and wish me good luck! i will let you all know how it goes after friday!!!!!

lifes positive moments

So I have been feeling better since my last post, thank you for all the encouraging words. I still have my down days, but im working on it. also i had the chance to go home and see my family and my best friend get married so that helped me a whole lot. then there was confrence this last weekend and that was very uplifting, i only got to watch the sunday session since i had to work saturday but it is just what i needed.



so here is what happened when we went up north. My best friend Carolyn got married!!! it was such a great experience, I was a bridesmaid which is something we always talked about as kids, and she was one of my bridesmaids so it was neat. and we also got to go to the temple. it made me so happy to be a part of her wedding, she was such a beautiful bride and ben is such a awesome man, she is going to be so happy with him! it was nice to be in on the sealing and think back on when i married jesse and the feelings i felt when i married him, and how its almost been four year! and i am still as much in love with him as i was when we got married. he has been a big help to me these last few weeks, always telling me he loves me.



So cares wedding was a great uplifting experience for me, and i also got to spend one of the days up north with my mom and sister, my sister asked someone to prefrence and needed a dress so we spent all day dress shopping, which was fun, i could tell my sister really enjoyed it, she looked so pretty in all the dresses and it was so fun seeing her face lite up when she found the dress she wanted. she had such a good time at her dance.



after we got home from up north i had to work, and me thinking i was smart picked up an extra shift, so i worked 4 12hour shifts in a row. the first two days were a breeze, and i thought the next two days would be just as easy, well i was wrong. april 1st was a very bad day! it started out great everythign was good, i had finished my morning med pass early, and i thought sweet its going to be a great day! wrong, one of my residents went out for a smoke break and when she came back she was in respiratory distress, she was having a hard time breathing and some really bad chest pain, so i started her on a breathing treatment, and gave her some nitro for the chest pain, well it never got better only worse, so i jumped into nursing mode. she was a DNR, but requested to go to the ER, but she declined so fast that she never got the chance. she pasted away 3 min after the EMT's arrived, it was a very tough experience, she was having a heart attack and it was very scary for her and me. i know i did everything that i was supposed to, and that it was very quick and she wasn't in a lot of pain. its still sad losing a resident, especially when you get to know them, and get close to them, she will be missed. but after watching confrence and hearing the lords message i know she is in a better place, where she is no longer in pain, and with her husband. so that was a very rough day, and then the next day was just as rough. i was still emotionally exhausted adn things just kept getting in the way, but i made it through.

so now i am just relaxing until i go to work again on thursday.

and my birthday is in 5 days!!! yay i dont have to work and my family is coming down so we can go four wheeling its going to be a good week : )

here are some pics of what we have been doing lately, visiting chelsea and ila, cares wedding and other junk.

feeling down

let me just preface that this post is very personal, if you don't want to know you don't have to read it i just have to get these feeling off my chest.

     So these past few months I have been feeling more and more down. I feel that i don't fit in anywhere. I feel like I have no friends, that no one wants to be my friend and that its my fault, or that i am weird or annoying so people dont want to be my friend anymore. I know these feeling are completly stupid and irrational but i can't help but feel this way. I know it has to do with my depression, and i hate the fact that i have depression, and that i have no control over how it makes me feel. I hate feeling worthless and that i have no real purpose. I hate that i live so far away from my family, because right now they are the only ones i know that love me (well besides jesse) and that are truly my friends and would do anything for me. I feel so lonely down here, I hate cedar city right now. I hate that I have 4-5 days off each week, but I have no one to do things with, instead of having a group of girl friends down here and doing things with them, i end up sitting at home alone while jesse is at school, doing nothing, and that doesn't help me feel any better about myself.
     When I was in nursing school, I felt like I got along with a lot of the girls in my class, and truly felt like I had become good friends with some of them, it made me excited to know i had friends down here, and that after nursing school i would have friends to do things with, well i was wrong. I try inviting people to do things and I always get turned down, I can't help but feel left out when i hear about people getting together to do things and me not getting invited. i know this is stupid and i should just be more outgoing and invite people to do things more often, but Im afraid of the rejection. all the close friends i had down in cedar have moved away, and  I have been having a hard time making new friends, I try i really do but i must be doing something wrong. 
     I feel like i dont belong in my ward, I feel like me and Jesse don't fit in because we dont have children, I hate going to church and sitting in relief society having no one sit next to me, it gets really old being the only one sitting by themselves, while everyone else has there friends. I try, I introduce myself when i actually have someone sit by me, i feel that i am a personable person and good friend, and that im easy to get along with, but that doesn't matter i guess. I must admit that because of this i haven't really wanted to go to church, and i haven't been going because when i do go i just don't feel like i belong. this week we actually went, and it just made me feel the same way, no one knows who we are, and i know that is partially our fault because we didn't go very often when i worked nights ( i always worked weekends), but we have been making an effort to go since i started days, i know i should be going, and i want to go and feel of the spirit. but when i do go the only person who knows me is my bishop, I hate smiling at people and getting looks of who is that girl? Sometimes i feel that maybe we should be going to the young married ward, and not a family ward, i might fit in better there and maybe make  a friend. which would be nice. but i love my bishop, and i feel like if i left for that reason it would be all selfish.  I hate these selfish feelings, i hate that i don't want to go to church just for the fact that i don't know anyone. today we had a combined priesthood and relief society and it was one the atonment, it was a very good lesson, and jsut made me realize how much i love my savior, but also how much i really need to be working on. it also made me feel really guilty for feeling this way, i know i have some of these feelings because im not doing everything we are supposed to be doing, but I have felt this way for so long its hard.
     I just want to have a group of girl friends i can do things with, my husband has his group of guy friends and i know they get sick of me tagging along, but I have nothing else to do and don't want to sit at home by myself. and i know they think of me as a friend to but I need some girl friends.  Im sorry that this post is so personal, but i keep this blog as a journal, and I just needed to get these things out, I didn't write this as a pity me post.   I just want people to know its really hard for me to say how i am feeling, that is why writting it down helps me feel a little bit better.  Im sorry this is a depressing post but this is how i have been feeling the past few months and one reason i haven't updated in so long, because really who reads this anyway?

Family Photos

So while we were up for Thanksgiving, well a few days before since i worked turkey day. I had my dad takes some family photos of me and Jesse so here are a few! enjoy!

photo giveaway!!!

hey guys my friend is doing a photoshoot give away, if you are interested go to this site and check it out!!!!
http://dahlquistphotography.blogspot.com

busy busy busy

I know i am like the worst blogger ever! I guess you could say i have been really busy lately, which is partly true, but also i just really haven't gotten on the computer in a long time. so here is a quick update,  in September we were able to go up north to one of my best friends wedding, Briana Harlan, and it was a wonderful experience she looked so beautiful and i was so glad that i was able to make it to her reception! also that weekend i went and saw The Lion King at Capital Theater with my mom dad and sister, it was amazing!! i would love to see it on Broadway!
Lets see then 2 weeks ago i went to Manitou Springs with my mom aunts and cousin, we went for a girls weekend, and it was really nice, i needed a break from work and all the stress it gives me. but it was a nice little resort town, we saw some cliff dewlings did a lot of shopping and yummy eating! :) it was fun i did miss Jesse lots though because i was gone for 5 days, then had to come back and work 4 days in a row so it was like i didn't see him for a whole week!

OK so here is some kinda big news, that makes me happy, i switched to days!! i am no longer a night shift nurse!! yay i have only worked 2 days shifts so far and both were one where i was orienting and the next i oriented a new girl. haha so way easy, im really nervous for my first day by myself. it is crazy working days but i already like it so much more, i feel like im getting back into being a real person!! and the day goes by really fast so that is a nice plus too. on a sad note, they had to make some cutbacks at work, so they are cutting a day shift and night shift nurse, so we will all be losing hours, not fun at all, but at least i still have a job, gotta look on the bright side. it really is going to suck losing hours, because Jesse is starting school in January so we need to save everything we have for tuition, because stupid FAFSA said we make to much, so lame, i hate how FAFSA works, i feel like we are always going to be in debt and never get out of it! ugh oh well, so that is what we have been up to nothing to exiting. 

about time for an update!

woo hoo for road trips!

ok ok i know my last post was in May! i am a complete slacker and should of posted stuff a long time ago, i just never really got around to it! :) so since i woke up at 4:30 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep (thank you night shifts) i will update you all on what has been going on this summer.

graduation :)

      first off I graduated! yay my graduation was may 1st, it was awesome lots of family came down to support me and it made me feel really good, and proud of my accomplishments. Julie, Sarah, Chelsea and baby Ila came down as well as my family and aunt Traci, Dave and Jeni. Nana and Popo had plans to come down but because of health problems didnt make it, i was bummed but im so glad they are doing better and plan to see them in August some time! but can i tell you how excited i was to see baby Ila? man it was only for a day but i already love that baby so much! Chelsea you need to come out again, or wait me and Jesse need to come visit! that would be even better! :) she is the cutest happiest baby i have ever seen! :) way to go chelsea!  so yeah graduation went well i will post some pics at the bottom.

    Well 3 days after graduation I started my New Job! i am a RN at Kolob care and rehabilitation in St. George Utah! it was  a huge blessing that i found a job in southern utah! i had been looking forever, and my hopes were not very high, that when i got a call from Kolob i immediately took the job! yes its a nursing home and i told myself i would never work at one, but i enjoy it. it has been really hard, stressful and frustrating working there, but i feel like i am learning lots. after my 6shifts of orienting i was thrown into being a charge nurse, i work in the front with the more needy, critical patients. most are knee/hip replacements, but i also get all the people on feeding tubes, and IV's. it keeps me busy let me tell you! it has been tough because i have had to learn a lot of stuff by just being thrown into it. i wasn't ever trained on being the charge nurse so i am still learning all the responsibilities that come with it. I have had many a night where i feel like i am completely inadequate and dont know what the heck i should be doing, and i swear every night i work my patients turn into crazy people! but i have really grown alot, and do love almost all the residents i take care of. let me tell you there have been a few that have pushed me to my breaking point! but yeah its been good, I work the night shift so from 6pm to 6am, hence the reason i am wide awake right now! my body is still trying to adjust to the change.

     ok so what else have we done this summer? really not much, we were able to make it up to Island park, ID the last week of June for Jesse's birthday! it was a much needed break! adn so much fun, it was a really short trip but we both needed it and had a blast. were were able to see tad and sarah on our way up, and spent a few days with Julie at the cabin, even getting so spend a day with Jesse's Aunt Marilyn. it was really nice we just hung out most of the time, we took roxy and she loved it! haha Julie might still be recovering from her, she is still a very vibrant puppy! i will post some picture of our trip! while we were out for a walk we saw a mama moose and her baby! it was awesome and they were so close that it was a little scary. but cool still.

    well we really didn't go anything fun for the 4th or 24th of July because i worked both those weekends. complete bummer because i didn't get paid time in a half because i was still technically on probation. LAME! oh well what can you do? lets see, we have just been working like crazy, i work 3night shifts a week, and jesse has been working like a mad man, we never seem to get a day off together, but hopefully this month will be different. man i can't believe its august! well this month we are going to go out to Salida, CO to my cousin Karen's wedding which is very exciting because Jesse hasn't met that side of my family yet and i can't wait for him to! i know they will love him and they will get along great! ok so thats about it for us i will post some pics from graduation and summer! and i promise to be better about updating! :)

Traci, Dave and Jeni

family photo at cabin!

Jesse's family, well the girls at least :)

I love this man!

the moose and baby

mi familia

this is how roxy likes to travel! haha head out of the car window!

happy b-day love!